Upheaval

As I write this, I’m preparing for a move to a new apartment. At the exact moment I’m writing this, I don’t know where that apartment will be.

It’s been a summer of changes and upheaval for me and my husband. I can’t speak for him, but for me, it’s been difficult and, at times, rather scary. We determined at the beginning of summer that we would have to move, and gave our landlord two months’ notice. But finding an apartment has proven more difficult than we’d expected. Staying here isn’t an option, because the landlord found a new tenant almost immediately, so we have to go somewhere. Right at this moment, though, we don’t know where.

This is a situation that in the not-so-distant past would have had me in full-blown panic mode. And, to be honest, I have had times of fear and panic. I am human, and no matter how much work I’ve done on myself or how much I trust the Universe to help me find the right place, I still feel scared sometimes.

Part of the story I tell myself is that I need to know what’s going to happen. Where I’m going to be. Who else is involved. All of those things. Although I can be flexible to some extent, I haven’t been particularly good at going with the flow, or at taking a leap of faith and seeing where it leads. That isn’t necessarily a good thing. Sometimes you need to take those leaps.

I’m reasonably sure that I’ve missed out on quite a bit in my life because of not being willing to take chances unless I have a pretty good idea of what will happen. That includes missing out on building River Flow Healing and A Story You Tell Yourself into amazing things that reach a lot of people. Reaching out and connecting with potential clients or with other practitioners requires a huge leap of faith, and it’s one I haven’t really taken.

If my husband had talked to me before giving notice to the landlord, we wouldn’t have given notice. I would have told him that we couldn’t do that without having another apartment lined up, and we would have ended up staying here. Not that this is a bad apartment, but there have been some unhappy times here as well as happy ones, and we don’t always get along well with our landlord and her family, who lives upstairs. It really is time for us to find someplace fresh, where we can start the next part of our lives.

I’ll admit I’ve felt pretty angry with my husband for giving notice on this apartment without talking to me. I still think he was wrong for not discussing it with me first, but what it’s shown me is that sometimes you really do have to take a leap and just trust that you’ll land in the best place for you.

Listen…

A few weeks ago, I sat down with pen and paper, and this just kind of flowed through me. So I wanted to share.

Listen to your intuition. Trust that you know, and believe what you hear. You feel inside you when something’s right. If it is, follow it, even if the “how” isn’t obvious.

Everyone has something to offer, and everyone matters. Everyone deserves love, positivity, and good things.

The story other people tell about you is really about them. You are the only one who can truly tell your story. If the story you tell is based on what others say to you, it’s time to tell a new one. Let go of what others think and say about you. Look inside and know who you truly are.

Trust yourself. “I don’t know” is part of that story. You do know, if you look past the mental arguments.

You are infinite abundance. You’ve simply forgotten who you are. It’s time to remember. Hustling and bustling to make money doing things you despise doesn’t serve you. Find your heart, find your joy, find your love.

What holds you back? Break the bonds others have placed on you, and do what you feel called to do. If you want to speak, speak. If you want to sing, sing. Dance. Run. Write. Play. Whatever it is your heart tells you, do. You aren’t responsible for everyone and everything. You are responsible to and for yourself above all. Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. Feed your fire.

As a child, you had dreams. You believed in magic, power, and all possibilities. You took joy wherever you could find it. You defended yourself against the stories others tried to force on you. But you heard too much doubt. Those in “authority” told you the things you believed were wrong, and with no one contradicting those people, you weren’t able to sustain your beliefs. And yet part of you always continued to believe. Part of you continued to know who you are. Even when you felt defeated, part of you felt triumphant and knew you would succeed.

That is the part to which you need to listen now. That indomitable, persevering, strong part that never doubted. You deserve love and respect from yourself and others, and that inner you is demanding it now. It isn’t too late. Those dreams can still be fulfilled. That power and truth never left you; it has always been there, buried beneath the “have tos” and responsibilities and untrue stories. It holds out its hand to you, ready to pull you back into the light of your true self and your true story.

Speak your truth, and believe that truth is there to be spoken when you are ready. The fear and doubt is part of your old story. Look past those, even when it’s hard, even when it’s terrifying. You don’t realize how much darkness surrounds you, and it has become comfortable, familiar, and safe. But it isn’t who you are. It isn’t where you belong.

Allow your true self to pull you into the light of your true life. “Take chances, get messy.” What does safety gain you? You remain in the dark, your gifts obscured and submerged. You suffer in sadness and lack when happiness and abundance are within your reach, and that happiness and abundance are what you hold out to others. You are their light, and yet you continue to dwell in darkness. Be for yourself what you are for others; or, rather, accept what you offer yourself as others accept what you offer them.

You aren’t alone in this world. On the most fundamental level, everyone and everything is intertwined. Feel your connection with others. Let them reach you as you have reached them.

Do you hear and feel this wisdom? And yet you doubt that you know anything. This is you working in harmony with yourself. You ask where these words are coming from, but you know the answer, because *you* are the answer. You are the answer to everything you fear, and to everything you need and desire. Shine your light into the dark corner where you hide in misperceived safety. Safety and stagnation are not synonymous. You are safe wherever and whatever you are. Stagnation leads only to proving to yourself that you can do nothing, and it becomes a self-fulfilling cycle. This is how you let yourself down, when you choose not to try.

Put yourself out there. Take the risks. Accept the love and the pain. Accept the knowing and the not knowing. Accept who you are and the joy and abundance that are meant for you.

 

Drawing a Blank

I sat here getting ready to write this blog post and realized I had no idea what to say.

And that’s okay.

I spend a lot of time feeling like I have to know everything that’s going to happen. I have to plan out what I’m going to post on my blog or write in the novel I’m working on. I have to know what my commute will be like, and the weather, and what I’ll be doing that day at work.

Except I don’t really need to know any of that. Except maybe the weather, because if it’s going to rain, it would be good to have an umbrella. And if it’s going to snow, I might have to freak out a little bit, because it’s July. Even in New England, it doesn’t usually snow in July.

So this time, instead of getting anxious and worried because I didn’t know what to type for this blog post, I just started typing about not knowing what I was going to type. Because even if it seems silly, or I feel like I’m just blathering, there is a point to this. And the point is that I don’t actually need to know. Some of my best writing–and, admittedly, worst–has occurred when I just put my fingers on the keyboard and see what comes out.

There are some things in life that it’s probably a good idea to plan in advance. At least have a guideline for. But you don’t have to do that with everything. Some things work out just fine even if you start without knowing where you’re going to end.

Like blog posts.

Believing In Yourself

Every once in a while, I start to doubt myself. I wonder if I’m going to gain the clients I want, or be able to help people, or write anything people want to read. I wonder why things aren’t seeming to work out the way I’d like.

It’s human nature to have doubts and fears. Finding someone who doesn’t have those is rare, even among life coaches and motivational speakers. Every once in a while, almost everyone has questions go through their minds about the things they’re doing.

The key is to keep doing it anyway. To ignore the questions if they’re holding you back, or answer them if doing so seems like something that might be helpful. Sometimes trying to answer those doubts and questions can lead to a new way of looking at the situation, and that can lead to a new way of doing whatever it is you’re trying to do.

Deep down, I know that I’m an excellent healer and mentor. I know I have the knowledge and skills to help my clients, and I know those clients will find me when I’m ready to work with them. I believe in my skills and abilities, even if sometimes I forget for a little while that I believe in them. And so deep down is where I need to look when those doubts and questions arise.

The brain tells you things are going wrong, or you aren’t doing it right or aren’t going to succeed. But the heart knows the truth. Your energy system knows the truth; when you feel doubt, you might feel your entire energy system contract, but when you believe in yourself, you feel yourself opening up, and that brings more answers and more possibilities.

So when doubts arise, keep working. Keep believing. Even if those doubts seem louder than the belief, keep going anyway. You’ll get there.

Shine Your Light

I recently responded to a post on Facebook from someone close to me, who said they were considering changing a part of how they act because they were so tired of people judging them and putting them down. This is what I said, in part, in response to their post:

“Some people have nothing better to do than tear down others to make themselves feel better. Live YOUR life, not theirs. Smile if you want to smile. Wear what you want to wear. They’re trying to put out a light that scares the f*** out of them. You’ve worked your ass off to overcome things that have happened in your life, and that terrifies the people who aren’t brave enough to do the work. So they have to make you feel like you’re less than them…because the reality is, you’re far, far more. Ignore them as much as you can. Feel compassion for them. *They* are the ones with the problems.”

That can be a hard thing to learn. If you’re constantly bullied and insulted, whether it’s about your physical appearance or your personality or your clothes or whatever, it wears you down. Sometimes it does just seem easier to back down, because at least then maybe they’ll leave you alone.

But I’ve found through personal experience that a lot of times, what I said in that Facebook comment is true. People fear what they don’t understand, and get angry at what they fear. People who look down on themselves can’t understand how someone can choose not to be part of the crowd. They see someone strong, confident, and powerful, and sometimes that frightens them. Sometimes it infuriates them because they don’t believe they can be the same way.

I’ve been approached by people who bullied me in school, or stood by while others bullied me. They’ve told me they were jealous or envious of what they saw as my total lack of fear to be myself. They admired me, but didn’t want to admit it. They were intimidated by me.

I wish they hadn’t been. I’m not all that intimidating, and I would happily have been their friend. Instead, I hid my light under piles and piles of detritus, all the result of bullying and other things I experienced. I didn’t dare show that light at all, because obviously it was a bad thing to have.

Now I dare. Now I know that light is what makes me who I am, and helps me to help other people. I refuse to hide it anymore. The person whose post I commented on has been keeping their light very visible for a long while now, and I hope they don’t choose to start hiding it.

FEAR!

For the past month, I’ve been going through a lot of changes. There are so many things about me that aren’t horrible, but aren’t helpful. Things I would love to change, because changing them would give me a better life.

The biggest one of those is fear. I’m afraid of almost everything. Today I’m leaving for the Rites of Spring Pagan festival in western Massachusetts, and I’m afraid I won’t get to know anyone there. I’m afraid I’ll feel silly like I did last year. I’m afraid my partner, who is also going, will ignore me the entire time.

Irrational fears. Though the fear of feeling silly isn’t so irrational. I actually did feel that way last year, but that was also tied to fear. I was afraid other people would think I was silly or stupid, so I just didn’t do anything. I didn’t participate in the rituals or the singing (I didn’t even know the songs, though everyone else there seemed to), and I didn’t really talk to many people. Which was unfortunate, because they’re nice people and would have accepted me if I’d been willing to be accepted.

I’m learning to let go of those fears a little more every day. Fear keeps you from truly living. You just exist day to day, doing the things you know are safe and won’t cause problems, and you don’t risk anything. But not risking means not trying, and not trying means you’re stuck where you are. Not necessarily the way someone wants to live, but sometimes fear seems stronger than you, and you don’t know how to fight.

I’m learning to fight. And I’m going to Rites of Spring despite the fear, and keeping an open mind (unlike last year, I admit) that it will be better this year, and that I won’t be as afraid.

Which reminds me… since I’ll be at Rites of Spring, there won’t be a blog post on Saturday. Next Wednesday, hopefully I’ll be able to tell you how Rites was!

Believing What I’m Worth

A while back, I listened to a webinar about running a coaching business. One of the points the leader of the webinar made was that people, especially women, often develop products and a business but then don’t charge what they’re really worth. Because they don’t *believe* what they’re really worth.

I can say that’s definitely true for me. My past has led to me constantly underestimating my own worth, whether it’s as a person in general or as a parent or as a healer and coach. This has been a problem in trying to build River Flow Healing. I second-guess myself and doubt myself quite a bit, which is not an effective way to draw people who trust that I know what I’m doing and want to work with me.

My past impressions about money also play a role. Money has always been a difficult topic for me, and when it comes to my business, I don’t want to charge “too much,” because people might get upset that I cost that much and might think I’m not worth it.

That’s a major fallacy in my thinking. I truly know what I’m doing, and I bring value to my clients. That’s worth a lot!

I’m still working on myself as well as on the business. Improving one’s life and outlook isn’t a one-and-done kind of thing; it’s an ongoing, often life-long process. I’m learning to have more confidence in my worth and value, and that means I’ll get there.

What Are You Creating?

What are you creating in your life?

For some people, hearing they create their own lives, or they create things in their lives, is problematic. They hear it as victim-blaming if they’ve had traumatic experiences, or they just don’t believe it’s true, because magic isn’t a thing.

(Magic *is* a thing, but that’s a different subject for a different time.)

Creating your life, or aspects of your life, doesn’t mean you’re at fault when things go wrong. If we don’t know our own creative power, we don’t have control over what happens. We have to learn that we can have that control, and then how to use it.

When we think hard about something, really want—or don’t want—it, often it comes into our lives. We’re putting so much time and thought into it, and therefore we’re putting a ton of energy into it. Energy calls to energy, and the energy we put out draws whatever it is we’re devoting energy to.

If we understand that, we can begin to consciously and intentionally create what’s in our lives. If we’re constantly stressed about money and trying to figure out how to get it, and thinking about how we don’t have it, we’re unconsciously creating not having it. We aren’t putting energy into having money; we’re putting energy into the lack of it. But if we can shift that thinking into fully believing, and putting our total energy into, the idea that we have the money we want and need, we will have that money.

That doesn’t mean it’s going to drop into our laps, of course. When we consciously create something in our lives, it doesn’t appear out of thin air. At least not usually. What does appear is opportunity, and we need to stay open to the opportunities that arise to bring us what we’re creating.

So what are you creating in your life? And what do you want to create? Think about how you can do that.

Overcoming Doubt

About a week ago, I underwent my witchcraft initiation ritual. Since I’m a solitary practitioner, I wrote the ritual, and enlisted my mentor’s assistance as my witness. This wasn’t necessarily the best idea. Having him there caused me to feel very self-conscious and worried about doing things wrong. Even though I’m a solitary practitioner and I wrote the ritual, which means there *is* no “wrong.”

I find that sort of thinking cropping up in a lot of areas of my life. Even as a very young child, I hesitated to do things unless I was almost one hundred percent certain I could do them right. I usually knew the answers to teachers’ questions in school, but I wouldn’t raise my hand if I wasn’t positive.

A few years ago, a friend who knew I wanted a hobby gave me a bass guitar and told me to figure out how to play it. I’m not the world’s best musician, but I do love music, and I’m a fairly decent singer. But I was afraid to sing in front of him, let alone fumble around with the bass, because he was a musician with decades of experience on his own and playing in bands, and I was afraid I would mess it up and embarrass myself in front of him.

Other things that I’ve wanted to learn or try, I haven’t done, because I doubt whether I would be able to do it right—or, sometimes, at all.

It’s human nature to have some doubts sometimes. But when the doubts interfere with doing things you want to do, things you love or at least love the idea of, it’s time to make some changes in how you think. That’s something I’m working on, and something I’m reasonably certain I can do right.